For example, I was raised in a family where my ethnicity was never a big deal. If someone was to ask me what my culture thought of therapy, my first response would be "culture? what culture?"... The largest chunk on my dad's side is German, and the largest on my mom's is Irish, but my family has been here for so many generations that we really don't carry on with any of the traditions of either culture.
Anyway, as a therapist, it is important to understand the different aspects of the client's life, and how they may affect the way that person views the world. While culture is of no importance to me, it may be of great importance to another.
We had to write a small paper about our "mattering maps." What is important to us, and how does it affect the way we live? In efforts to keep up my new blogtastic blog, I thought it would be interesting to share what I wrote.
This assignment was interesting to me, as I have never taken an extensive amount of time to think about how the different aspects of my life come together to make it my own unique experience. The more I considered this idea, the more I began to view individual variables as a sort of lens, some thicker than others. The thinner lenses are aspects of my life that make it unique, without greatly altering it. These particular lenses are the aspects that have never greatly affected, or changed my life in any particular way. On the contrary, the thicker, more colorful lenses are aspects of my life that have played a larger role, and greatly altered the way I see everything around me.
In the beginning, I had some difficulty identifying the “thickest lens” in my life. The first thought that came into mind was that I always thought of myself as having a fairly normal childhood. From that thought, I then began to question what my view of “normal” was. What exactly was it about my family, and my childhood that was normal? Furthermore, what does normal even mean? The more I thought about my life, the more I realized that my family is one of the most important contexts to me, as I continually came back to thoughts of my upbringing. With some further questioning, I came to the conclusion that one of the most important aspects of my life, is my gender, and how it plays into the context of my family.
My role as a female affects nearly everything that I do. Take the way I dress for example. As a woman, I am expected to dress within a certain social norm. Within that norm, the items of clothing I choose are further affected by where I am, at what time of day, and who I am around. As a female domestic violence group facilitator, I am unlikely to wear anything even remotely provocative to work. Not only could it be seen as unprofessional, but it could potentially affect my relationship with male clients. As a female living in downtown San Jose, I am unlikely to wear certain things at certain times, as it could provoke unwanted attention. Generally speaking, I feel that as a woman, I have to be more cautious than do my male counterparts – and this includes far more than just my clothing choice.
Nevertheless, while my gender may affect nearly everything I do, one thing it has not affected is my ambition. This, I believe, is due to the family contexts within which I grew up. I have come to realize that I came from two very different families, with two very different roles for women. However, I have somehow arrived at the same conclusion that my gender does not hinder my ambition, nor does it alter what I can ultimately do with my life. Both families taught me that as a woman, I can do whatever I want to do, and be successful at whatever I choose. How was it that two completely different environments could steer me in the same general direction?
My mother’s side of the family is very female driven. My grandmother was a housewife who always stayed home to cook, clean and take care of her three children (my two uncles and mother). In the 65 years she was with us, she never had a job, and struggled to even get a credit card in her own name. She stayed home to raise her three children, and remained a housewife even after they left home. Her house was always immaculate, and dinner was always on the table by the time my grandfather arrived home at 4:30.
The most interesting aspect of my grandmother’s life was the dynamic between her and my grandfather. Although she fulfilled the traditional female gender role, their overall relationship was by no means traditional. My grandfather went to work to provide for them both, but when it came down to handling finances, my grandmother was the one in charge. He came home with a check every other week, and she made sure to distribute money as necessary between bills, groceries, gas and extras. Furthermore, when it came down to making major decisions, they worked together as a team. Each of them always consulted the other before doing anything that would affect them both. As a result, I grew up viewing a very equal and fair relationship between my grandparents.
My grandmother was undoubtedly, the matriarch of our family. She took charge of major family functions, and everything was done according to her plans. Gatherings always took place at her house, on her time schedule and around her menu. In a sense, we were all like little planets, orbiting around in her atmosphere, and remarkably, everyone was fine with this. In fact, no one even questioned it. Every single one of us viewed her as a strong, kind, fair and loving person whom we all respected, admired and adored. We all looked to her for guidance, knowing that she would always be there to show us the way.
When my grandmother passed away suddenly last year, my family was in a state of shock. We literally lost the “center” of our universe, and felt as though we were now wandering aimlessly. At this time, I was able to take a step back, to watch and wonder how the family hierarchy would shift. As expected, and entirely true to form, our family remained very female driven. My mother, being the only daughter, took charge, and cautiously stepped into my grandmother’s role. Today, even though she lives 100 miles away from the majority of the family, she is still the central “hub” of communication. Things were chaotic at first, as we all felt like imposters in our new family roles. Quite frankly, things still do not feel as though they have resumed back to normal.
My father’s side of the family is a stark contrast to my mother’s. My grandmother and grandfather on this side were roughly 20 years older than my other grandparents, and came from a slightly more traditional background. The interesting part was that my grandmother was a very highly educated woman for her time; in fact, even more so than my grandfather. My grandmother was the first woman in our family to graduate from college, and go on to have a career as a social worker. My grandfather, on the other hand, dropped out of school in 6th grade to support his mother and siblings.
After years of trying, they found out that they could not have children, and at the age of 40, decided to adopt. They adopted my father first, and a few years later adopted my aunt. This is when my grandmother decided to retire from her career, and stay home with the children. Fortunately, my grandfather was successful enough in his own string of businesses, that they were able to get by comfortably on a single income. Slowly but surely they fell into the traditional husband and wife roles.
Coming from very traditional backgrounds, my grandparents valued my father in a much different way than my aunt. While thy loved and provided for them both equally, it was no secret that my father was favored as the boy. Whenever he got into trouble, it was seen as a normal thing for boys. On the contrary, whenever my aunt got into trouble, she was viewed as the rebellious teenager. Over time, these roles almost became self-fulfilling prophecies. My father went on to receive his masters degree in electrical engineering while my aunt stayed at home, moved from job to job, and married a man they despised. It’s almost as though they each fulfilled the predestined roles my grandparents created for them, simply based upon gender.
What I find fascinating, is how this vastly different family dynamic did not filter through to affect me in the same way. Even though I was a female, my position in the family saved me from my gender. As the daughter of the favored son, as well as the first grandchild, it was no secret that I was treated differently than my aunt’s two children. Even after my grandmother passed away, my grandfather constantly bragged about how smart and special I was. Additionally, I believe I was given more things and treated with greater leniency. While I did not realize it at first, it soon became rather apparent, and quite frankly, rather embarrassing.
Ultimately, two competing family dynamics still directed me to the same destination. On one side of the family, females are a source of power, and are not suppressed for their gender. On the other, females are suppressed…unless you fall into the right place in the family. As an “extension” of my father, I was viewed as a source of power, and was not suppressed for my gender. As I have grown older, I have begun to see how different my life could have been had I been an extension of a female, rather than male. Would I even be here today?
My educational goals and accomplishments greatly interplay with experiences in my family. Overall, my mother’s side of the family was not very highly educated. While most of my aunts and uncles finished high school, or received a GED, no one had gone on to even attempt college. Higher education was viewed as something that was valued, but optional, and was never forced upon any of us. We were taught that we had the option to go on and do whatever we wanted to do, and would be supported and loved, no matter what it was we chose. Furthermore, we were taught that as a male or female, we had to option to go to college; our gender made no difference.
My father’s side of the family viewed education as a necessity. My father went on to fulfill this expectation when he received his master’s degree in engineering. My grandparents set the bar, and whoever chose to clear it was seen as a success. Likewise, those who did not, were seen as people who had wasted their chance at living a good life. In this case, it was my aunt, who went straight to work after high school and remained living at home with my grandparents. Seeing this as a child, I was raised to believe that there was no other choice after high school. I was told that I would go to elementary, middle, high school and then college. I was taught that if I wanted to have a good life, I absolutely had to seek higher education.
Once again, two competing family dynamics directed me to the same destination. On one side, I was not suppressed for my gender, and told that while education was valuable, I could do whatever I wanted to do. Either way, while they could not support me financially, they would always support me emotionally. Ultimately, I felt empowered to do whatever I was driven to do. On the other side, I was viewed as the “brilliant” extension of my father and expected to seek higher education. I was told that those who did not attend college were wasting their lives, and shown that in order to remain in good graces, I absolutely had to go to college. Needless to say, I decided that college was the right option for me.
It leads me to wonder if I would even be here, in the graduate program, had I been my aunt’s daughter? Based upon what I saw, her children were regarded as little extensions of her. Since my grandparents viewed my aunt as highly unsuccessful, they too were expected to do “nothing important” in life. Sadly, this reflected in the expectations that were placed upon them. Today, they are both adults living at home, and to my knowledge, not working or attending school. All I can do is hope this is what they genuinely wanted for themselves, and that they are happy. It pains me to think that they may have had a desire to do something else, but were suppressed by the other members of my family. How could anyone have the audacity to decide who they were going to be and what they were capable of becoming at such a young age?
When it comes down to my own desire for education, how much of it was my own ambition, and how much was predetermined? The female driven family, I believe, made me feel as though my gender did not matter. I felt as though I could go to school and achieve anything I wanted to. The male driven family expected and pushed it upon me. I believed that if I did not go to college, I would be seen as a failure. I am now in a place where I sit and wonder which side had the biggest impression? Furthermore, in any other family, would I have arrived at the same destination?
The process of writing about my family has taken me on a journey I do not know that I would have otherwise taken. In writing this, I have been able to step away from my role in my family, and for the first time, view my experience from a different perspective. In a sense, I feel like the omnipotent observer, taking notes, and noticing how all of the different aspects of my family play into the grand schema that is my life. While I cannot say that all of my experiences have been ideal, I am quite certain that I would not be where I am today without them.
As a therapist, it will be important to understand how all of these experiences have come together to create who and what I am. More importantly, how these experiences color the way I view my clients, and how I choose to treat their suffering. While I have never experienced my own gender as a source of suppression, it is important to understand that not everyone has had that same experience, and I must be sensitive to this issue. While I did not experience the powers of male privilege directly, I must remember that I have seen it happen very close to me, and I have seen the results.
It will also be important to recognize how each individual client will have devised a mattering map that is likely different from my own. While I view my gender, family and education as the most important aspects of my life, it is important to understand that others may not see themselves in the same light. It may not always be appropriate to assume that my clients believe they have become who they are today because of their own individual family context. While I may place great importance upon modeling and shaping, others may not.
Overall, I believe it is completely normal for therapists to have biases. While we all may have decided to become therapists, we all took very different paths to get there. Along those paths, we all encountered very different things that we viewed in different ways, based upon our own mental mattering maps and individual experiences. The only thing we can do is become aware of our own biases, and know how they may affect our view of the world. When we are aware of our biases, we are less likely to project our own desires and expectations upon our clients, and more likely to empower our clients to make their own decisions about who they are, and what they are capable of becoming.
What is your mattering map?
Gender?
Ethnicity?
Education?
Sexual Orientation?
Family?
Class?
How have they changed the way you view the world?
