Merry Christmas

I made out like a BANDIT this year!


Between Brian's and my own family I ended up with all this swag

The complete list:

• Threadless Tee (image on my myspace background)
• Roxy hoodie
• DSM casebook
• Sister Hazel-Fortress CD
• Scrubs Season 7
• Fur lined boots
• Sex and the City COMPLETE series set
• Wii decal skin
• Body Butter
• Fancy clicky top sharpie highlighters
• Fancy post it highlighters
• Body butter
• Godiva hot chocolate
  
• Grey's Anatomy Season 1
  
• Across the Universe
  
• Step Brothers
• The Breakfast Club
• Sleeping Beauty
• Sixteen Candles
• Pretty in Pink
• Some Kind of Wonderful
• Burn After Reading
• Wall-E
• Animal Crossing - City Folk
• $6o in itunes gift cards
• $400 for new tires
• Red hand mixer (not pictured)
  
• Red Swingline Stapler (not pictured)
• Red electric can opener (not pictured)

Am I a lucky SOB or what? ooo, and look how cute my Wii is now!

Poor Kitty

So, I have to take my kitty to the vet this morning. I got her when I was around 13 or 14 and she was already a year or two old. I haven't ever taken her to the vet. She is now 13 (ish - not entirely sure), so this is DEFINITELY not a process she is used to.

She has to go though. She has been scratching at her ears a lot, shaking her head, and tilting it to one side as though she isn't quite sure what to do about it. She has also been SUPER clingy and wanting to cuddle with me a lot.

I think she probably has an ear infection.

She NEVER bites, and she was declawed some point as a kitten so I'm not worried about biting and scratching.....BUT.....the last time I tried to get her in her pet carrier she peed all over herself AND me.

Fun times

My new SHORT hair!

My Cohort

This is a picture of my cohort group with Ellyn. It was her last class on her last day before retirement. She was one of the most inspirational teachers I have ever had, and I know we are all hoping to one day be half of the therapist she is.


She kept telling us all about how special we were and how happy she was to have our class as her last. There was hardly a dry eye in the house...even the guys :)

P.S. My final today went great! Bipolar Disorder! woohoo for one I knew well! Just one more final and one more paper!

Avoidance

I'm totally putting off studying for my final exams tomorrow and Tuesday morning. I have been totally "phoning in" these last few assignments by not putting nearly as much effort in as I usually do.

Blah....I can't help it, my brain is totally checking out and ready for Christmas.

Just TWO more exams and ONE more paper to turn in and I'm DONE for a month!

I'm super stoked to spend some down time with Brian. He has been so patient with my super busy schedule this semester. Now it is my turn to work around his schedule for the next month :)

Close Call

So, on Tuesday, we had to call the paramedics. I teach the 7:30 class, and was sitting in the office prepping while the other teacher was finishing up her class that ends at 7:15. All of a sudden, she comes running in the office to tell me she needed to call 911. I look out the door and one of the clients is passed out in the floor. Apparently he had a preexisting medical condition called diverticulitis. He hadn't been feeling well earlier, but our guys only get 3 absences in the year they are there. He was so worried about getting an absence that he was just pushing thru the pain until he literally collapsed.

The guys were all really good, and did exactly what we told them. I had one out front to flag down the ambulance and one at the door telling my class to wait outside so the paramedics could come thru. I'm pretty sure the guy is going to be fine...I told my boss he definitely deserves a leave of absence!

Other than that, life hasn't been too exciting. I'm heading in to the final stretch at school - 2 more big exams and 2 more papers and I'm off for a month! I'm literally counting down the days, and looking forward to spending some much needed R&R time with Brian. He has been soooo very patient with my hectic schedule these last few months.

That's all for now. I'm off to go buy some things to make this Hawaiian Dessert recipe for a potluck my class is having. I'm not a huge fan of pineapple, but I was asked to do something kinda Hawaiian for dessert...I'm not sure that I could get away without some pineapple and coconut.

blech.

Stop Your Musterbation!

Ok, so I'm writing this research paper on Rational-Emotive Therapy (RET) created by Albert Ellis in the 70's. It's based on Cognitive Therapy, and focuses on how our thoughts, emotions and behaviors are largely determined by our beliefs.

Anyway, Ellis proposed that people have this irrational belief that they "must" or "should" be a certain way or do certain things. As a result, we create these completely unrealistic expectations of ourselves and believe we are inadequate when we don't meet them.

He referred to this as our "musterbatory agenda"

God, for a 1970's therapist, this guy is cool as hell.

Conversation had with Jimmy after explaining the term:

Jimmy: Haha, musterbation, nice.
Me: loving it
Jimmy: Man 1: "you're never going to live up to my potential in this damn job!" Man 2: "Dude, I hate it when you musterbate in my face like that!"
Me: "Stop musterbating all over me, damnit!"
Jimmy: Sometimes I musterbate when I'm alone...please don't tell Kelsey.
Me: Don't worry, I do too. In fact, I do it in public sometimes.
Jimmy: She just woke up and I told her I was having a conversation with you about musterbating. She said, "with mustard?"
Me: Tell her she musterbates too.
Me: We all do it
Me: Come join the dark side...
Jimmy: Aaaah! Epidemic!

Musterbation is my new favorite word....and I get to write a whole 12 page paper about it.

Rock on.

Christmas Songs of Note

I love love love Christmas. Everything about it.

BUT, I get kinda tired of the same old holiday music year after year.

So, I thought I'd share my playlist of holiday music the doesn't suck:

• Barenaked Ladies - Elf's Lament - This song is just fun!
• Jason Mraz - Winter Wonderland -A fun twist on a classic song
• Sister Hazel - Merry Christmas Baby
  
• Guster - Donde Esta Santa Claus
• Chris Trapper - It's Christmas Time
  
• Ben Folds - Bizarre Christmas Incident Not so good for the kids, but great for adults!
• Jack Johnson - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Another fun twist on a classic song
• The Kinks - Father Christmas
• Blues Traveler - Christmas
  
• Simple Plan - My Christmas List
• Barenaked Ladies - Green Christmas - Good for the kids
• Brian Setzer Orchestra - Sleigh Ride
• Chris Trapper - Black and Blue Christmas
• The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight tonight)
• The Dan Band - I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas - NOT one for the kids!
• Death Cab for Cutie - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
• Pearl Jam - Don't Believe in Christmas

Enjoy!

Christmas!

I finally got a chance to do my Christmas decorating. If it were up to me, I would begin in November, but Brian is super against it. He says we need to finish one holiday before starting another.

Oh well. I'll just leave my decorations up thru January. The next holiday isn't until February anyway :-P

Bows and candy canes...

Big bow on the front door

Santa

The Countdown

My "tree"

Santa Bear

A little Christmas in every space

My other "tree"

Even the spider got a makeover

Test My Memory

So, my cold is on its way out. Only really had 2 or 3 bad days, the rest have been pretty manageable, even without meds

I went to my class this morning and now I'm spending the rest of the day curled up under a blanket memorizing all of the criteria for all of the disorders. So far, all I know is Schizophrenia and the psychotic disorders. I still need to get through all of the mood, anxiety, and personality disorders.

I also have a 10 page paper due tomorrow, but I'm thinking I can crank that one out in the 5 hour break between my exam and that class.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a photographic memory!

Thanksgiving Day Surprise

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Mine started out well. Brian and I woke up just before 9 and flipped back and forth between football and the Macy's Thanksgiving parade while I started prepping the yams - Nice lazy morning.

Dinner at my Grandpa's went well...it's always great to see everyone - although, it certainly has been kinda weird since my Grandma died. This is the second holiday season since she passed away and everyone is still settling into their new roles. Unfortunately for me, that means more time spent in the kitchen. lol.

Oh well, I was bound to 'graduate' soon anyhow.

Stupid adulthood.

After that, we went over to Brian's dad's house to have dinner with his mom, dad and sister. That also went well, and was good to see everyone. Unfortunately, from the second I walked in the door I started feeling progressively worse. What I thought had been allergies I suddenly realized was a full blown cold.

I spent last night so stuffed up I could barely sleep. Around 2 a.m. I had to come out in the living room to sleep on the couch so I could sit at a slight incline.

I'm starting to lose my voice tonight, so I know this isn't going to be an easy one.

Go figure. Right when I have 2 huge papers and an exam next week.

wish me luck

oh, and anyone want to rig me up one of those hats?

Random Thought

I never quite know what to say at the end of a voice mail.

My co-facilitator called me while I was in class today to let me know that she is sick, running a fever, and will not be in group tonight.

No big deal. I run groups by myself all the time. It gets a little hard when you are teaching the lesson AND have to take notes (what the co usually does) but it always works out.

So, I called her back and got the voice mail. This is what I told her:

"Don't worry about finding a replacement, I'll be fine. Just take it easy and I hope you feel better soon. Have a good Thanksgiving, and I'll see you next week.

thanks, bye."

It started off as such a great message and then just crashed and burned...thanks, bye? thanks for what? for being sick?

Anyway, that's my thought for the day.

Shopping Shenanigans

One of my favorite things to do with my cousin used to be going shopping. We were both in school and working at Mervyn's part time, which meant we were both pretty much broke all of the time. Neither one of us could afford to go on a spontaneous shopping spree.

Keeping that in mind, sometimes as a way to relieve stress, we would go to somewhere like Macy's, pick out all the ugliest dresses we could find, get dressing rooms right across from each other, and point and laugh at one another.

I'm telling you, fun times. I practically peed myself on numerous occasions:

Big blue bow

Coral crinkly goodness

Orange sherbet ruffly awesomeness

Oddly enough, some of the things that looked TERRIBLE on the rack, and that I would have NEVER chosen, wound up looking a lot better on. Fun AND a learning experience!

We used to have fun in the other stores too:

one can never pass up a good "that's what she said" moment

We figured it would be interesting to see what she did if someone pressed her.

Later, I sucked other friends into it




Fun times for poor people

New Look and Cram-tastic Success

So, I finally figured out how to make some changes to the look of my blog. I'm not sure I'm so keen on the sidebar being on the right rather than the left, but I'm slowly starting to get used to it.

The only thing I don't like about this layout is that there are no distinct breaks between posts.

Oh well. Overall, I think it is super cute :)
----------------------------------------------------
As for the exam, it went really well. I didn't feel prepared, mostly because she didn't really tell us exactly what we needed to know. She told us to just know ALL 11 topics really well.

Turns out, the exam only covered 4 of the 11 topics (Panic disorder, and 3 different types of therapy used for depression)

I feel like I did really well....what a nice little confidence boost!

Hey, in grad school, positive reinforcement is so few and far between...I'll take whatever I can get.

And thanks Marni for the kind words. I'll only post blogs complaining about grad school when I really need too, lol.

Cram-tastic

I've been studying for this exam ALL day (no kidding) and I STILL don't feel like I know everything I am supposed to know.

For 11 topics, I'm expected to know how to conceptualize the disorder, what is believed to cause and maintain it, what the data shows, what areas to assess, with what measure, and why, and empirically supported treatments.

I've got a 13 page study guide I created from the 500 pages this exam is on, and I've been reading over and over all day

...and I still don't know it

Grad school sucks.

Miss Popularity

My blog has TWO subscribed followers!

I don't know what I'm going to do with all this popularity...

Bottle it up and sell it maybe.

Dirty Little Secrets - Part Deux

When people ask us how we met, Brian and I say that we met through a mutual friend.

Technically, this is true. However, we are aware that this implies we met in person.

Nope.

I actually spotted him on Paula's MySpace page, thought he was adorable, and sent him a message. I had known Paula for several years working at Mervyn's, and he knew her through the teaching credential program at SJSU.

So, technically mutual friend.

We got to know each other through AIM conversations, and found out we had class right next door to each other @ SJSU. I met him in person for the first time after bumping in to him outside of class.

And by bumping in, I mean I purposely went to class early and pretended to have an important phone conversation out in the hall so I would be there when his class let out.

Why did we do it? I guess when we first started introducing one another to our respective families, telling the story to our parents/grandparents about how we met on MySpace didn't sound very appealing. I wouldn't imagine my grandpa would have taken him very seriously.

Thus, glossing it over as "through a mutual friend" seemed so much easier. No one questions that.

And technically, we weren't lying...right?

Dirty Little Secrets

I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. I've seen EVERY episode...

Even worse...It makes me cry almost every week.

Especially this new Izzy/Denny stuff....

God, I hope they aren't slowly writing Izzy off the show.

I also love Desperate Housewives...

Soap opera for prime time...

I know it's lame, but I can't help it.











Ok, this one was a little harder to give up. I love The Little House on the Prairie. I've seen pretty much every episode of the show that was on back in the 70's & 80's.

I also own seasons 7,8, & 9 on DVD...AND I've read all of the books.







Harry Potter...I've read all the books and seen all the movies.

In fact, I OWN all the books and all of the movies released thus far.








I have worn Dr. Pepper lip gloss since the 7th grade.

When my mom let me start wearing makeup, I used to layer dark brown lip liner with this lipstick called "buff beige."

All my friends looked like clowns back then.

Once I left my "clown phase" I started using this. I hate lipstick, so I'll wear this as long as they will make it.







Speaking of the 7th grade, I used to love Sailor Moon.

In fact, among some of my friends, we all kinda identified with certain characters from the cartoon.

I was Sailor Jupiter.

I even went through this short phase where I thought I could draw. I drew the eyes of anime characters.

The problem was, I wasn't very good at it.

It was a short lived phase.



And finally...I've developed a bit of a crush on Edward Norton.


I figure it's ok because he looks just like Brian:



Seriously, don't they look alike?

What are your dirty little secrets?

You Get What You Ask For

So, it was time for an oil change, and I figured it would be good to take my car into the Toyota dealer. I usually go to any random oil changing place to get a good price, but they don't usually check the car for anything else. As my car is nearing the 40K mark, I figured it would be good to take it in to the dealer, where I knew they would catch any other problems.

After waiting about 45 minutes, the guy comes in to tell me all these things are wrong with my car:

1. One of my tail lights it out - no big deal
2. Some filter is dirty and could stand to be replaced. Not my air filter since I replaced that a few days ago. Again, not a huge deal.
3. My tires need rotating. I'm actually getting NEW tires next month, so no big deal
4. My water pump is leaking and all my coolant fluid was gone

OK now THAT one was weird. I don't know a lot about cars but water pumps should not have gone bad at 36k. Man, all the fluid had already leaked out meaning I could have overheated and created a LOT MORE damage.

Anyway, apparently it is covered under warranty, so I don't have to pay to have it done. As for the other three, I can do those myself.

I guess when you go looking for problems, you're bound to find some.

Sweet Tooth

You know you're getting down to the crappy candy when you're digging through the Halloween bowl for the last package of Rollos.

Either that, or it's when you realize you're completely disgusting.

Either way, my sweet tooth has got the best of me.

ick.

Well Said Keith, Well Said...

Reasons to Believe

I thought this was kind of cool, so I figured I would pass it along.

Macy's will be setting up Mail boxes within every store so that kids can come in and mail their letters to Santa.

For every letter mailed, Macy's will donate $1 to the Make a Wish foundation.

What a cute activity to do with your kids while making a difference in the lives of sick children all over America!

Ten Thousand Cats

So, I'm updating on my cats because there isn't anything interesting going on right now.

OK, well, my ONE cat.... and the neighbors cat who spends more time with me than him.

So, he's kinda my cat.

Right?

I have seriously considered stealing this cat when I move out. I don't know if the owner just never lets him in or what, but he's ALWAYS here. Seriously, who couldn't love a cat who sits and sleeps like this:


We like to call him Thomas.

I would never actually steal him...but I'd seriously consider asking the neighbor if he would be willing to part with him...

How do you even initiate a conversation like that?

"Excuse me sir, I'm moving across town and wondered if maybe I could pack your cat with my things?"

Except, in Spanish, because I'm pretty sure he doesn't speak any English.

Oh dear lord, Brian better seal this deal soon or I'm going to end up a crazy cat lady, won't I?

Ray LaMontagne and Lesbian Lovers

So, Brian and I went to the Paramount Theatre in Oakland to catch Ray LaMontagne in concert. For those of you who have been to the Paramount, you know what the seating is like. If not I'll explain.

With the stage down at the bottom, each row gradually steps up, kind of like a stadium. Basically, when you are sitting in your seat, your knees are roughly mid head level to the person below you. Furthermore, the rows are so cramped and packed together that your knees are literally 1-2 inches from the head of a person sitting normally in their seat below you.

A few minutes into the opening act, the couple right below us began feeling each other up in ways only people on ecstasy do. We kinda giggled at it in the beginning, until they started making out so hard that they were bumping their heads into our knees. At this point, Brian had to kind of spread his knees out so they wouldn't bump him. Unfortunately, when he did this, they chose to take advantage of the extra space and make out with their heads literally between his knees.

Needless to say, it was somewhat distracting. Fortunately, by the time Ray came on, one of the girls had zonked out, so all was mostly calm.

It was an AMAZING show. He is by far, the best artist I have ever, ever seen. If you have never heard his music, I strongly suggest you check him out.

Not only that, but Brian now has a cool story to tell about the time two lesbians made out between his thighs while his girlfriend watched.

Hells yes.

What's the deal California?

I was deeply saddened this morning to see that proposition 8 is likely going to pass this time around. At this point, 95% of the precincts have reported, with 48% no and 52% yes.

They are currently saying "too close to call", but I really doubt we're going to see the percentages shift enough when the remaining 5% report the results.

It is incredibly discouraging to see a state that can say African Americans are equal, but gays are not. I don't know about anyone else, but "separate but equal" is not how I define equality.

I'm now left in a place where I feel guilty that I can marry, but some of my friends cannot.
Why am I any better? Why is my love more valuable?

It really makes me want to throw up my hands and decide not to have a "big white wedding" when that time comes. After all, why should I pump my hard earned wedding money into an economy that tells me only certain kinds of love are sacred? I don't want to support that shit.

I spoke with a good friend of mine who will be deeply affected by the passing of this proposition. She recently got married, and is hoping that they will be "grandfathered in." After speaking with her, I saw that the only thing we can do now is try to look at the positive, and keep moving forward.

Supporters for NO on Prop 8 have stated that if they were defeated, they would take the issue to the supreme court. Historically, the supreme court is largely in support of non discrimination, so maybe we can turn this around.

Even if it doesn't happen there, if you look at the history of our country, discrimination always loses. That is what makes us so great.

It just takes a really long time.

When looked at in perspective to other issues, we have come a LONG way in a relatively short amount of time, and I feel confident that this battle is not over. 10 years ago, this would not have even been on the ballot, let alone with such a tiny margin between those for and against.

Ultimately, this WILL NOT stand, and we WILL prevail.

But it still hurts.

Barak N' Roll!

I know I've already posted for today, but I just had to say...

BOO YAH!!!
Obama gonna knock you out, bitches!!

Wiper Blues

So, I was in the parking lot after buying new wiper blades at Kragen, trying to figure out how to put them on. I had no idea how to do it, but I've always been pretty independent, and try to figure those things out on my own.

Well, I must have looked pretty ridiculous, because a guy who didn't speak any English came up and put them on for me. We couldn't really communicate, but he went slow to show me how he was doing it.

I must have looked so incredibly lame to have a man who speaks a completely different language figure he better walk over and do it for me.

Silly white girls.

VOTE!

I have never been a very political person, and I am NOT the person to get in to any kind of political debate with, but I felt inspired to share my two cents today.

FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN votes determined the last election.

That's it.

Even though I've made it pretty obvious who I am supporting, my goal here is not to get people to vote for my candidate. Honestly, I just want people to realize that their vote DOES MATTER.

For the first time in history, we have an African American candidate for president, and for the second time, a female candidate for vice president. That alone should provide some motivation.

What it comes down to is the fact that we are lucky enough to live in a country in which we have been given the gift of voting. There are many countries out there that do not give citizens this seemingly basic right. Ultimately, no matter how corrupt you think our country is, or how many problems you believe we have, your vote makes a difference, and is the only tool we have to promote positive change. What is the point in throwing up your hands and just giving in to the powers that be?

If nothing else, vote simply because you CAN. If you give up that right, you may one day end up in a country where you no longer even have that option. Trust me, it has happened before.

He Rocks My World!

Earlier this month, we hit our first year anniversary. He is everything I could have ever wanted to have in a partner, and then some. Most importantly, I feel as though I don't have to be anything but exactly who I am when I am with him. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I look forward to many, many more years.

Halloween Fun

I hope everyone had a good Halloween. We played it mellow this year with some pizza, beer and bowling. Good times :)

I had an AWESOME costume all set for this year, but since we are all so busy, and decided it would be best not to go to any parties, I figured there was no point in wasting it. I went with some standard cat ears instead.

Oh well, I'll save it for next year :)

Anyway, because of the rain we really only got a couple of kids this year....I still have a SHITLOAD of candy. That's never a good thing around here...I have the biggest sweet tooth EVER.

Anyway, here are some shots from the night. Enjoy:)

Stay Safe This Halloween

I just saw a report on a Halloween candy recall on the milk chocolate pirate coins. You know, those ones that come in the shiny gold foil? Anyway, it looks like most of it was sold in Canada, but I'd suggest not letting your kids eat them anyway....just to be safe.

You can read more for yourself here.

Happy Halloween!

Grad School Blues

I spent roughly 20 hours working on a paper on Adlerian therapy.

No joke. 20 hours.

Come to find out, the other 11 in my cohort group spent the same amount of time that I did...some spent even more.

I guess I'm not slow.

The sad part is that I have to write three more papers of the same length. And this is only ONE of the assignments for ONE of my classes....there is plenty more to do on top of that.

Is it 2010 yet?

What matters to you?

I'm currently working towards my degree in clinical psychology so I can become a marriage and family therapist. At the moment, I am taking a class on gender and ethnicity in psychotherapy. Basically, the idea is to understand that there are many different aspects of an individual that are going to affect their overall perception of therapy, and the world in general.

For example, I was raised in a family where my ethnicity was never a big deal. If someone was to ask me what my culture thought of therapy, my first response would be "culture? what culture?"... The largest chunk on my dad's side is German, and the largest on my mom's is Irish, but my family has been here for so many generations that we really don't carry on with any of the traditions of either culture.

Anyway, as a therapist, it is important to understand the different aspects of the client's life, and how they may affect the way that person views the world. While culture is of no importance to me, it may be of great importance to another.

We had to write a small paper about our "mattering maps." What is important to us, and how does it affect the way we live? In efforts to keep up my new blogtastic blog, I thought it would be interesting to share what I wrote.


This assignment was interesting to me, as I have never taken an extensive amount of time to think about how the different aspects of my life come together to make it my own unique experience. The more I considered this idea, the more I began to view individual variables as a sort of lens, some thicker than others. The thinner lenses are aspects of my life that make it unique, without greatly altering it. These particular lenses are the aspects that have never greatly affected, or changed my life in any particular way. On the contrary, the thicker, more colorful lenses are aspects of my life that have played a larger role, and greatly altered the way I see everything around me.

In the beginning, I had some difficulty identifying the “thickest lens” in my life. The first thought that came into mind was that I always thought of myself as having a fairly normal childhood. From that thought, I then began to question what my view of “normal” was. What exactly was it about my family, and my childhood that was normal? Furthermore, what does normal even mean? The more I thought about my life, the more I realized that my family is one of the most important contexts to me, as I continually came back to thoughts of my upbringing. With some further questioning, I came to the conclusion that one of the most important aspects of my life, is my gender, and how it plays into the context of my family.

My role as a female affects nearly everything that I do. Take the way I dress for example. As a woman, I am expected to dress within a certain social norm. Within that norm, the items of clothing I choose are further affected by where I am, at what time of day, and who I am around. As a female domestic violence group facilitator, I am unlikely to wear anything even remotely provocative to work. Not only could it be seen as unprofessional, but it could potentially affect my relationship with male clients. As a female living in downtown San Jose, I am unlikely to wear certain things at certain times, as it could provoke unwanted attention. Generally speaking, I feel that as a woman, I have to be more cautious than do my male counterparts – and this includes far more than just my clothing choice.

Nevertheless, while my gender may affect nearly everything I do, one thing it has not affected is my ambition. This, I believe, is due to the family contexts within which I grew up. I have come to realize that I came from two very different families, with two very different roles for women. However, I have somehow arrived at the same conclusion that my gender does not hinder my ambition, nor does it alter what I can ultimately do with my life. Both families taught me that as a woman, I can do whatever I want to do, and be successful at whatever I choose. How was it that two completely different environments could steer me in the same general direction?

My mother’s side of the family is very female driven. My grandmother was a housewife who always stayed home to cook, clean and take care of her three children (my two uncles and mother). In the 65 years she was with us, she never had a job, and struggled to even get a credit card in her own name. She stayed home to raise her three children, and remained a housewife even after they left home. Her house was always immaculate, and dinner was always on the table by the time my grandfather arrived home at 4:30.

The most interesting aspect of my grandmother’s life was the dynamic between her and my grandfather. Although she fulfilled the traditional female gender role, their overall relationship was by no means traditional. My grandfather went to work to provide for them both, but when it came down to handling finances, my grandmother was the one in charge. He came home with a check every other week, and she made sure to distribute money as necessary between bills, groceries, gas and extras. Furthermore, when it came down to making major decisions, they worked together as a team. Each of them always consulted the other before doing anything that would affect them both. As a result, I grew up viewing a very equal and fair relationship between my grandparents.

My grandmother was undoubtedly, the matriarch of our family. She took charge of major family functions, and everything was done according to her plans. Gatherings always took place at her house, on her time schedule and around her menu. In a sense, we were all like little planets, orbiting around in her atmosphere, and remarkably, everyone was fine with this. In fact, no one even questioned it. Every single one of us viewed her as a strong, kind, fair and loving person whom we all respected, admired and adored. We all looked to her for guidance, knowing that she would always be there to show us the way.

When my grandmother passed away suddenly last year, my family was in a state of shock. We literally lost the “center” of our universe, and felt as though we were now wandering aimlessly. At this time, I was able to take a step back, to watch and wonder how the family hierarchy would shift. As expected, and entirely true to form, our family remained very female driven. My mother, being the only daughter, took charge, and cautiously stepped into my grandmother’s role. Today, even though she lives 100 miles away from the majority of the family, she is still the central “hub” of communication. Things were chaotic at first, as we all felt like imposters in our new family roles. Quite frankly, things still do not feel as though they have resumed back to normal.

My father’s side of the family is a stark contrast to my mother’s. My grandmother and grandfather on this side were roughly 20 years older than my other grandparents, and came from a slightly more traditional background. The interesting part was that my grandmother was a very highly educated woman for her time; in fact, even more so than my grandfather. My grandmother was the first woman in our family to graduate from college, and go on to have a career as a social worker. My grandfather, on the other hand, dropped out of school in 6th grade to support his mother and siblings.

After years of trying, they found out that they could not have children, and at the age of 40, decided to adopt. They adopted my father first, and a few years later adopted my aunt. This is when my grandmother decided to retire from her career, and stay home with the children. Fortunately, my grandfather was successful enough in his own string of businesses, that they were able to get by comfortably on a single income. Slowly but surely they fell into the traditional husband and wife roles.

Coming from very traditional backgrounds, my grandparents valued my father in a much different way than my aunt. While thy loved and provided for them both equally, it was no secret that my father was favored as the boy. Whenever he got into trouble, it was seen as a normal thing for boys. On the contrary, whenever my aunt got into trouble, she was viewed as the rebellious teenager. Over time, these roles almost became self-fulfilling prophecies. My father went on to receive his masters degree in electrical engineering while my aunt stayed at home, moved from job to job, and married a man they despised. It’s almost as though they each fulfilled the predestined roles my grandparents created for them, simply based upon gender.

What I find fascinating, is how this vastly different family dynamic did not filter through to affect me in the same way. Even though I was a female, my position in the family saved me from my gender. As the daughter of the favored son, as well as the first grandchild, it was no secret that I was treated differently than my aunt’s two children. Even after my grandmother passed away, my grandfather constantly bragged about how smart and special I was. Additionally, I believe I was given more things and treated with greater leniency. While I did not realize it at first, it soon became rather apparent, and quite frankly, rather embarrassing.

Ultimately, two competing family dynamics still directed me to the same destination. On one side of the family, females are a source of power, and are not suppressed for their gender. On the other, females are suppressed…unless you fall into the right place in the family. As an “extension” of my father, I was viewed as a source of power, and was not suppressed for my gender. As I have grown older, I have begun to see how different my life could have been had I been an extension of a female, rather than male. Would I even be here today?

My educational goals and accomplishments greatly interplay with experiences in my family. Overall, my mother’s side of the family was not very highly educated. While most of my aunts and uncles finished high school, or received a GED, no one had gone on to even attempt college. Higher education was viewed as something that was valued, but optional, and was never forced upon any of us. We were taught that we had the option to go on and do whatever we wanted to do, and would be supported and loved, no matter what it was we chose. Furthermore, we were taught that as a male or female, we had to option to go to college; our gender made no difference.

My father’s side of the family viewed education as a necessity. My father went on to fulfill this expectation when he received his master’s degree in engineering. My grandparents set the bar, and whoever chose to clear it was seen as a success. Likewise, those who did not, were seen as people who had wasted their chance at living a good life. In this case, it was my aunt, who went straight to work after high school and remained living at home with my grandparents. Seeing this as a child, I was raised to believe that there was no other choice after high school. I was told that I would go to elementary, middle, high school and then college. I was taught that if I wanted to have a good life, I absolutely had to seek higher education.

Once again, two competing family dynamics directed me to the same destination. On one side, I was not suppressed for my gender, and told that while education was valuable, I could do whatever I wanted to do. Either way, while they could not support me financially, they would always support me emotionally. Ultimately, I felt empowered to do whatever I was driven to do. On the other side, I was viewed as the “brilliant” extension of my father and expected to seek higher education. I was told that those who did not attend college were wasting their lives, and shown that in order to remain in good graces, I absolutely had to go to college. Needless to say, I decided that college was the right option for me.

It leads me to wonder if I would even be here, in the graduate program, had I been my aunt’s daughter? Based upon what I saw, her children were regarded as little extensions of her. Since my grandparents viewed my aunt as highly unsuccessful, they too were expected to do “nothing important” in life. Sadly, this reflected in the expectations that were placed upon them. Today, they are both adults living at home, and to my knowledge, not working or attending school. All I can do is hope this is what they genuinely wanted for themselves, and that they are happy. It pains me to think that they may have had a desire to do something else, but were suppressed by the other members of my family. How could anyone have the audacity to decide who they were going to be and what they were capable of becoming at such a young age?

When it comes down to my own desire for education, how much of it was my own ambition, and how much was predetermined? The female driven family, I believe, made me feel as though my gender did not matter. I felt as though I could go to school and achieve anything I wanted to. The male driven family expected and pushed it upon me. I believed that if I did not go to college, I would be seen as a failure. I am now in a place where I sit and wonder which side had the biggest impression? Furthermore, in any other family, would I have arrived at the same destination?

The process of writing about my family has taken me on a journey I do not know that I would have otherwise taken. In writing this, I have been able to step away from my role in my family, and for the first time, view my experience from a different perspective. In a sense, I feel like the omnipotent observer, taking notes, and noticing how all of the different aspects of my family play into the grand schema that is my life. While I cannot say that all of my experiences have been ideal, I am quite certain that I would not be where I am today without them.

As a therapist, it will be important to understand how all of these experiences have come together to create who and what I am. More importantly, how these experiences color the way I view my clients, and how I choose to treat their suffering. While I have never experienced my own gender as a source of suppression, it is important to understand that not everyone has had that same experience, and I must be sensitive to this issue. While I did not experience the powers of male privilege directly, I must remember that I have seen it happen very close to me, and I have seen the results.

It will also be important to recognize how each individual client will have devised a mattering map that is likely different from my own. While I view my gender, family and education as the most important aspects of my life, it is important to understand that others may not see themselves in the same light. It may not always be appropriate to assume that my clients believe they have become who they are today because of their own individual family context. While I may place great importance upon modeling and shaping, others may not.

Overall, I believe it is completely normal for therapists to have biases. While we all may have decided to become therapists, we all took very different paths to get there. Along those paths, we all encountered very different things that we viewed in different ways, based upon our own mental mattering maps and individual experiences. The only thing we can do is become aware of our own biases, and know how they may affect our view of the world. When we are aware of our biases, we are less likely to project our own desires and expectations upon our clients, and more likely to empower our clients to make their own decisions about who they are, and what they are capable of becoming.


What is your mattering map?

Gender?

Ethnicity?

Education?

Sexual Orientation?

Family?

Class?

How have they changed the way you view the world?

Proposition 8

I get it, I really do. I get that change is hard. But I just really don't understand why changing the constitution so that gays cannot marry is even in question.

"because I don't want my children to learn about gay marriage in school....I'm just not ready to change the textbooks yet."

First of all, they don't even teach about regular marriage in school. So why the hell would they teach about gay marriage? And even if they wanted to, as the girlfriend of a teacher, and friend to many others, I know that teachers are lucky to even get through the current curriculum in a year. They sure as fuck aren't going to add in another segment on gay marriage. Using children to justify separate but equal is just ludicrous.

Second, even if they did, why does it matter? GAY IS NOT A CHOICE. Just because your little precious baby saw two girls holding hands doesn't mean he's going to catch "the gay" like he caught that cold last week.

"It violates the sanctity of marriage"

Fine, if you want to believe that they are going to hell for getting married, then so be it. You're entitled to that belief. Just know that just because it is your belief, doesn't mean it has to be mine, and it sure doesn't mean that it is right. You can absolutely believe that they are going to burn in hell all you want, but it is NOT ok to take away their rights.

I wanted to re-post a blog a good friend of mine wrote about proposition 8 today. She and her long term partner just got married in hopes that if prop 8 passes this November, they will be grandfathered in. If not, I suppose they at least had the joy of experiencing it for a few weeks...

that's enough, right?

Ugh, it makes me sick.

Before you vote "yes" take a moment to get to know someone who's life you will be affecting.

"My worth; is it weighing in the balance of a vote?
Maybe they vote against me because they do not
believe I am worthwhile in life
Maybe.. or maybe that's remnants from my past
I am real tired, forgive me -

What's it going to mean, that vote?
It wont change our love.
.. it changes my feelings inside though
It is just enough to make me feel
a little bit less than.
Just enough to make us not hold hands in
the Denny's where we got engaged.
To sit on opposite sides of the booth
instead of closer as we like
To walk a few feet apart at the pier
instead of arm and arm as we like
To hide again
I am real tired, forgive me-

Its hard to think one could be hurt by a vote
something so objective political, why take it personally!
But this vote is about my personal life
..not just my personal life..
but an attempt to judge the essence of me
- my heart- to judge it as being shameful.
to vote that into law..."that"
...to change the constitution to say that my love is not good
I am really really tired forgive me for saying these things
... but please hear them... because I still thought them

A First Time for Everything

So this is the very fist time I have tried this site. I created an account a while back so that I could comment on Marni's blog, but until now, I've never actually done much with it.

I've never considered myself a "blogger", but I've contemplated the idea for a while. I'd love to promise that I'll blog all the time, but that would be a big fat lie.

Shit, I could never even keep a diary as a kid.

A few things I can promise:

• I'm a very open person. I won't go making people uncomfortable by talking about things they wouldn't want me to, but I'll always be right out there with the things that affect me personally.

• I WILL use this space to rant from time to time. As a full time graduate student, part time worker and full time girlfriend, life is hard and lovely, all at the same time. I'm not a negative person, but sometimes, this may be my space to process and work through some of it.

• I WILL not use chat speak. I hate chat speak. I'll admit that I have been known to throw out a few LOL's from time to time, but I can't stand people who write like they are trying to explain how to disassemble a bomb in 15 words or less.

Well, I suppose that is it. Stay tuned:)